Sunday, April 17, 2011

Happy anniversary to me.

At 7pm today, exactly one year ago, I said I do. Today was supposed to be my one year anniversary with my husband... but instead I'm drinking a glass of wine, alone. I probably shouldn't be so depressed today... he was controlling, and neither of us were happy, but still... I said I do, and meant it forever, so I sit here, sad and depressed, wondering how my life became what it is today.

I have an amazing job... I absolutely LOVE my little Everett, and am so glad that I get to spend my days caring for such an amazing little guy. But the rest of my life... well, it could use some work.

I have a wonderful new boyfriend. We've only known each other for about a month, but I cherish him dearly. He has a lot on his plate right now. Battling alcoholism, dealing with his parents kicking him out, dealing with unemployment... It's rough, but I adore him, so I will continue to stick by him. He's gone today..out with a friend. While I'm at home, alone on what should have been my one year anniversary. It hurts so much, but I'm so tired of crying.

And so, as I pour myself another glass of delicious white wine, I sit here reflecting on what should have been...what would have been...what could have been, but will never be.

I cant bring myself to toss out the boxes of wedding memorabilia. Or any of the little collection of pieces of our life together. I want to look at it, to take it out and examine every piece, going over and over in my mind what I could have done differently. But it wont change anything, and it wont help anything. It will only make it hurt more. I really thought the pain would be gone by now. I thought that by knowing and accepting that we were better off apart, that the pain would subside and I would go one with my life, happy and content. But it still hurts. And I'm not honestly sure that that pain will ever completely subside. I ache with longing for my life back.
But my life has changed. The life I once knew is over, and someday this will all be a sad but distant memory.

Tomorrow I resume work, thank goodness. It seems silly, but I cannot express how much I've missed seeing my little Everett each morning. And after three days of work, they go on vacation again, so I'll be missing him for another whole week. He's an amazing little kid. He's almost always happy, and even when he's grumpy, it's physically impossible for me to have a bad day... he's just so wonderful. When I have a child, I pray they are anything like my precious little guy. He makes the world a brighter place, and every day I am thankful that I have the amazing opportunity to be a part of his precious little life.

I'm getting new roommates on the first. This is great news seeing as though my current roommate has decided not to like my bf, and has made our lives so incredibly uncomfortable that I'm counting down the days till she moves out. The new couple seems cool... but I guess you never really know till you live with them. I just really hope TJ gets a job soon.. that will make our lives much easier.

Anyway...this post is kinda rambley, and I'm sure that's due to the two glasses of wine I've downed since starting it, but want to add how incredibly happy I am for Bobbi and Aaron, my (ex) brother and sister in law, on their new little "peanut". They deserve another little one so much, and I'm so happy that their dream is coming true. I may not be related to you anymore, and we may not have always gotten along, but I love you and am so ecstatic for your new little addition. Ella is so lucky to have such amazing parents, and this new little one is so blessed as well. Congratulations.

Even though my life is not what I expected, and things arent going great, there are some things happening that I feel so blessed about. My guy, my little guy, and the happiness of others. Things will get better, and life will go on.. I know it, it just takes time.


  1. Thank for for the very kind words and congrats!!! :) It's nice having your support, especially since you are well aware of all we've gone through the past few years to get to this point. I'm really sorry the passing of what would have been your 1-year anniversary surfaced depressing thoughts and feelings. That's gotta be really hard. But, it sounds like you have a guy that you adore and a stable I guess you just gotta count your blessings. I really like the quote in your blog sidebar..."The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it." That is so true! This is your life, and even if the cards aren't always dealt the way we want, we need to try and live it to the fullest. I am very guilty of waiting so long to begin it, as well. I think we all can learn from that quote. Keep up the blogging! Always nice to hear how things are going for you. :)

  2. Hope the anniversary did not keep you down for to long, and that you come back to blogging soon!

    Congratulations on the new job.